Sleep Problems
I had trouble sleeping again. I fell asleep watching TV and then I woke up with a start at 3 AM. I couldn’t get to bed so I tossed and turned for a while. I gave up and got up to work on the computer.
I finally fell asleep at 5 AM and managed to sleep in until 9:30 AM. It’s weird, it’s almost like I’m sleeping in two shifts. I know that my anxiety and depression exacerbates my sleep issues. It is frustrating because I never feel like I am refreshed. I have been feeling half asleep at times. I don’t feel much energy either.
Unmotivated
Once I did wake up, I did not feel motivated to do much of anything. I felt depressed and anxious. The last thing that I should do while feeling this way is to try to do any work, like job hunting or writing. Time just seemed to go by with little to show in the way of any accomplishment.
I did manage to get some chores done, like laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher but little more than that. I’d do a little work and then I’d go lie down and feel sorry for myself. And then I’d feel guilty that I wasn’t getting anything done. This has been a vicious circle.
Call from Extras Casting Director
I got a call from the Extras Casting Director’s agency. I had run into one of the extras casting director last week, at his garage sale. He said that something was coming up and here it was, a day’s work tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a holiday, Canada Day. I didn’t have much planned so I was happy to hear that I could work on it! And I was even happier to hear that it would be filming fairly close to me so I wouldn’t have to drive far.
I would play a teacher at a school. I spent some time gathering up all of my wardrobe for tomorrow. They warned that it might be an early start so I didn’t want to have to be rushing when I woke up. I packed everything and put it beside the door.
Spending Unnecessarily
I had found a bus pass a couple of weeks ago and it was expiring today. I posted it on Craigslist under the Lost and Found but nobody ever claimed it. I decided to cheer myself up and use the pass to go to shop in the suburbs.
A big problem that I have when depressed is shopping. I never buy anything particularly extravagant, I’m not that stupid, but I do buy things I don’t necessarily need that urgently. Today was one of the days when I couldn’t resist.
Two hours later, I had several bags and was on my way home. I only spent around $40 but that wasn’t the point. It was that I really didn’t need any of this stuff, really. This was shoppertainment for me. It did make me feel better during that time.
Did I feel that guilty when I got home? Actually, no, I didn’t. I felt better. Given my present financial situation, it is not the rational thing to do. But then again, even if I didn’t have money pressures, I really shouldn’t buy stuff anyway, given my hoarding tendencies. I have to find a better way to react to my depression than buying my way through it.
fiftyandunemployed 